I Refused to Keep Buying Groceries for My 90 Y.O. Grandma — My Family Says I’m Cruel

It often starts with love and good intentions — helping family, doing the right thing. But for one reader, that kindness took an unexpected turn. What began as supporting her 90-year-old grandmother slowly transformed into a painful lesson in boundaries, gratitude, and entitlement.

Grace sent us a letter.

Hi, Now I’ve Seen Everything!

My 90-year-old grandma, whom I love deeply, has always been a strong-willed woman — and I’ve always admired that about her. But lately, it feels like she’s been taking advantage of my kindness, knowing I won’t refuse her. For years, I’ve been the one doing her grocery shopping. Every week, rain or shine, I’d head to the store, pick up everything she likes, and drop it off at her door. At first, I didn’t mind — she raised my mom and helped care for us when we were little. I wanted to repay her in some small way.

But over time, things started to shift. Her requests became more expensive — pricier brands, imported fruits, pastries from a bakery across town. Then she began calling me in the middle of my workday, insisting I bring her things “right now.”

When I said I couldn’t always drop everything, she guilt-tripped me.

She’d say things like, “You’ll understand when you’re my age,” or, “If your mother were alive, she’d never talk to me like that.” The final straw came last weekend — I’d just paid rent and couldn’t afford another grocery trip. When I told her, she sighed, “So you’re letting your grandmother starve?”

Her words hit me hard. I still drove over with what I could — some bread, milk, and fruit. But when she looked in the bag and said, “No steak? No cake?” I froze. That’s when it sank in — she didn’t see it as kindness anymore, but as her right. So I made up my mind: no more weekly grocery runs. I’ll visit and help when I can, but I’m done being her delivery service.

Now my relatives are calling me selfish and cruel for setting boundaries.

They keep saying I should be grateful she’s still around and remind me that “money comes and goes, but family is forever.” But none of them are the ones footing her grocery bills or missing work to shop for her. Now I can’t help but wonder — am I really heartless for finally putting myself first?

— Grace.

Here’s our advice:

First of all, Grace, thank you for opening up and sharing your story — what you’re experiencing is something many people face but few ever admit. There’s a big difference between helping out of love and being guilted into it. You’ve been generous and devoted for years, and setting boundaries doesn’t cancel that — it simply protects your kindness from being taken for granted.

Older relatives sometimes forget how much the world has changed — everything’s more expensive, time is scarce, and burnout is a real concern. But it’s not your duty to carry all of her expectations alone.

You can gently but firmly let her know that you’ll still visit and help with essentials, but you can’t cover every expense or run every errand. Consider suggesting grocery deliveries or asking other family members to share the responsibility so the load doesn’t fall entirely on you.

And here’s the story of another reader whose husband wouldn’t let her clean the fridge while he was away. She finally did it anyway — and revealed his creepy secret.