Psychologists Reveal 8 Quiet Marriage Killers You Might Be Overlooking

When most people think about what ends marriages, they picture dramatic events — cheating, explosive arguments, or hidden financial troubles. But therapists and researchers point out that the real damage is often caused by something far less obvious: an imbalance of emotional labor. This includes the invisible work of anticipating needs, keeping harmony, and managing the day-to-day flow of life. When one partner carries most of this burden, tension and resentment slowly build. Our reader Judy H. found herself in exactly this situation — and chose to face it head-on.

Judy faced a difficult situation with her husband.

I asked my husband to bring home spinach. He bought lettuce. When I asked for tomato paste, he bought ketchup. “Close enough,” he laughed.

I lost it and just tossed the bag of groceries into the trash. Later that night, I found him googling “difference between tomato paste and ketchup.” That broke me a little.

Turns out, he really didn’t know the difference between half the stuff on the list. His mom used to do all the shopping, and I always handled it after we got married. So now, we plan meals together. I sent him photos with the grocery list. And he brings home exactly what we need.

Understanding subtle relationship behaviors.

Dear Judy, we’re so glad to hear that you and your husband were able to work things out and find a solution together. It’s a reminder that sometimes we can jump to conclusions without fully understanding the situation. In relationships, it’s easy to get frustrated by what might seem like small misunderstandings, but addressing them can lead to a deeper connection and growth.

To help others who may have faced similar situations, we’ve gathered 8 common behaviors that may seem harmless at first but can quietly erode the health of a marriage over time.

1. Resistance and stonewalling.

Most of us have probably experienced a moment where our partner has started building a wall and doesn’t want to talk or solve a problem. It seems like they don’t care at all and are just ignoring you.

Dr. John Gottman says that 80% of men are like this. It looks like he doesn’t care, but actually, he really does. It is important to learn how to identify the signs of when your spouse is emotionally overwhelmed and not to push them.

If the problem needs to be discussed, it is always better to pick the right time when you are calmer.

2. Prioritizing technology over connection.

Spending excessive time on phones or other devices can create an invisible wall between partners. When screen time consistently takes precedence over face-to-face interaction, partners may feel emotionally distant and disconnected.

3. Failing to acknowledge emotional labor.

Emotional labor involves managing not only one’s own emotions but also the emotions, reactions, and needs of others. When this responsibility falls disproportionately on one partner, it can lead to burnout and resentment. Recognizing and sharing this load is crucial for a balanced and healthy relationship.

4. Competing instead of collaborating.

Treating your partner like an opponent in tasks, finances, or parenting can create unnecessary tension. Collaborating, rather than competing, reinforces teamwork and promotes a sense of unity and shared purpose.

5. Not expressing gratitude.

Over time, partners may begin to take each other for granted. Failing to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s efforts can lead to feelings of being undervalued. Regular expressions of gratitude are essential for maintaining emotional connection and mutual respect.

6. Responding defensively instead of with empathy.

When one partner expresses frustration, a defensive response like “You never ask!” can escalate the issue. Instead, acknowledging the frustration with, “You shouldn’t have to ask,” shows empathy and fosters understanding. This builds connection and avoids further resentment.

7. Failing to adapt to changing needs.

As individuals grow and change, so do their needs within a relationship. Failing to recognize and adapt to these evolving needs can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction. Open communication and flexibility are key to maintaining a strong partnership.

8. Neglecting emotional check-ins.

When partners stop asking each other how they’re feeling or fail to check in emotionally, it can lead to feelings of isolation. Regular emotional check-ins help ensure that both partners feel understood and supported in the relationship.

Bonus: “sleep divorce”.

Sharing a bed might seem essential to a healthy marriage, but for some, it causes more harm than good. Snoring, mismatched sleep schedules, or restlessness can lead to chronic sleep deprivation—fueling irritability and resentment.

Experts suggest that sleeping separately, or a “sleep divorce,” can actually improve relationships by ensuring both partners get quality rest. Despite the name, this practice isn’t about growing apart—it’s about making the marriage work better.

Here we list 15 things every couple should definitely talk about before getting married.