My Brother Keeps Touching My Daughter’s Hair—How Do I Set Boundaries?

Building family bonds is something important, because it not only gives us strength and joy, but also spreads love and kindness at the same time. Even so, the difference in expressing love might be different for each other, and it might cause discomfort for some family members. One reader shares that she is confused with her brother’s habit, who loves playing with her teenage daughter’s hair. She tries to stop him because it makes her daughter uncomfortable, but her brother’s reaction is not what she expected. Now, the family needs to solve the issue without hurting anybody’s feelings.

We got a message from our reader.

Thank you for reaching out to us! We understand this is a complicated situation, and we’re here to offer you some thoughtful tips.

Set clear boundaries.

It’s important that both Amy and you continue to make it clear that her hair is off-limits. You’ve already expressed how it makes her feel uncomfortable, and that should be respected. Boundaries aren’t just suggestions, they help ensure everyone feels safe and respected.

Suggest alternative ways to bond.

Let him know that while bonding and affection are important, touching someone’s hair without permission is intrusive. You can compare it to how some people might not like being hugged or touched on their heads, it’s about personal space. You can also say that affection between family members can happen in many ways, like talking, playing games, or just spending time together.

Don’t be afraid to talk about specific consequences

If you’ve already had a polite conversation with him and suggested alternatives for bonding, but he continues to doing it, you may need to address your concern more seriously this time. You can talk to him as a sister and warn him about the potential consequences. These consequences don’t need to be harsh. You can tell him that you will limit their interaction or explain the long-term effects that may worsen the relationship between him and your daughter.

If he keeps playing with her hair and causes her discomfort, it will make her not trust him as an uncle and disrespect him. If that happens, you won’t be able to help him repair their relationship because you’ve already made him aware of the consequences from the beginning.

Be mindful and observe the habit changes.

Nothing can change in one night, especially if it is a habit or something people do in ’auto-pilot’ mode. Your brother may already understand and try his best to respect the boundaries. However, there may be times when he forgets and falls back into the same patterns.

Talking with your daughter about proactively reminding her uncle is also essential. You can encourage your daughter to speak up when she feels uncomfortable, but also let her appreciate the efforts her uncle is making to change his bad habit regarding her hair.

How we express our feelings and intentions to our family might differ, and sometimes it causes discomfort. In this article, a woman shares her story about how her in-laws disagree with her style because “it is too revealing.” The different opinions between family members can cause an uneasy encounter, especially when they are still living under the same roof, but communication with a compassionate and understanding approach may help us find a solution to the issue.