I’m Losing My Marriage Because My Husband Always Chooses His Mom

Sometimes, the letters we receive hit harder than any headline or shocking story. They’re not loud or dramatic, but they carry the quiet weight of someone who’s been struggling in silence for too long. One of our readers recently shared her story—a marriage overshadowed by a parent who refuses to step back—offering a glimpse into the exhaustion, frustration, and courage it takes to confront such a situation.

Here’s what she shared with us:

“You hear these stories and think, “That’ll never be me.” You think love is stronger than anything, that your partner will always have your back. I thought that too. But after ten years of marriage, I’m realizing something harsh: my husband’s loyalty to his mom is slowly eating away at our life.

Ten years in—and my MIL still calls the shots. Recently, she casually suggested we move into her basement to be “closer” to her.

I laughed nervously. Surely she was joking. “I’m thinking of sprucing up the basement,” she said over tea, “just in case you two want to be closer soon.”

Her husband promised it was just a conversation. Nothing would happen without her.

“But the next day, my husband started talking about it like it was real. ‘She has the space,’ he said. ‘Could save us money.’ I stared. ‘You’re seriously considering this... right?’

He swore he wasn’t, that we’d decide together. But his mom? She never waits. She inserts herself into everything—calls, texts, FaceTimes, little comments at dinner. And when she wants something? She gets it, one way or another. Persistent, guilt, manipulation—never yelling, never demanding, just slowly wearing you down until you give in.

My husband says he gets it. That he knows she oversteps. He says he sees how exhausting it is. ‘You act like I don’t know how to say no,’ he tells me.”

He says he sees it, but his actions say otherwise.

“But yesterday, I came home to find our living room half-packed. Boxes everywhere—my mugs, our photos, blankets—all bubble-wrapped, ready to move. He didn’t even tell me. Not a word. Just boxes, like our life could be quietly folded up while I was at work, miles from her house.

He says it’ll save money. That his mom ‘wants to help.’ That it’s ‘temporary.’ That I’m overreacting. But really? He’s choosing her—again.”

She’s tired of being second in her own marriage.

“He’ll tell me he’s torn, stuck in the middle. That he hates how this affects me. But when it matters most, he never stands up. I’ve stopped expecting him to. I’m not trying to compete with his mom. I’m trying to build a life with a man who still sees himself as her child before he sees himself as my partner. And I’m tired.

I don’t want to be the villain who ‘hates his mom.’ I don’t hate her. I hate that she’s become the third person in our marriage. That her approval matters more than my comfort, my voice, my needs. I don’t know what’s next. I haven’t unpacked the boxes. Haven’t even asked why he packed them. Each time I pass them, my heart sinks a little more.

Maybe he’ll admit it was a mistake. Maybe not. But I’m done being the only one fighting for us. If he can’t say no to her, he’s already said no to me. He’s halfway through the move. And if he leaves, I can’t cover our rent alone. But moving in with him? Not an option. I’m left wondering what my life looks like now. I think I’m ready to walk away. But how do you leave ten years of marriage behind? Am I overreacting? Is it normal to question yourself after something like this? Please, I need help making sense of it.”

No, you’re not overreacting. Your pain is valid.

Many people in emotionally invalidating relationships tend to question their own reactions. This is called gaslighting, even when it’s unintentional. If your spouse’s actions make you feel invisible in your own marriage, that’s not something to brush off. According to Psychology Today, emotional invalidation can cause long-term damage to one’s self-worth and ability to trust one’s own judgment.

What you’re feeling is a normal response to emotional neglect.

Set clear boundaries.

If your husband’s decisions and your mother-in-law’s interference cross your boundaries, it’s important to calmly and clearly communicate what is unacceptable for you. Without clear boundaries, the situation will keep repeating.

Talk to your husband privately.

Find a time for an honest conversation without your mother-in-law or other guests. Explain how his actions affect your feelings and your marriage. Use “I” statements (“I feel hurt...,” “I feel...”) to avoid sounding accusatory.

Consider a family therapist or mediator.

If talking to your husband doesn’t help, a professional can guide you through the discussion, help set boundaries, and explain why he tends to defer to his mother.

Plan alternatives and scenarios.

Think about how you would act if the situation doesn’t change. This could include temporary division of responsibilities, a financial plan, or discussing housing options to maintain control over your life.

Here you can read another story from one of our readers, this time about a conflict with his MIL.