My Husband Wants Us to Adopt His Late Ex-Wife’s Child — Even Though She’s Not His

Megan, 33, always dreamed of becoming a mother — just not like this. Not under this kind of pressure. After her husband’s ex passes away, Megan faces an impossible choice: adopt the orphaned child or risk her marriage and carry lifelong guilt. With her husband grieving and family pushing hard, she’s torn between her mental health and a little girl who’s lost everything.

This isn’t just about adoption — it’s about setting boundaries, protecting your well-being, and surviving when everyone claims to know what’s best. Read how Megan fights to hold on to her truth in a situation where every option feels like heartbreak.

Here’s Megan’s letter:

My husband (37M) and I (33F) have been married for six years. Before we met, he was in a long-term relationship — seven years — with his ex, Jess. Toward the end of their relationship, Jess became pregnant by another man, who disappeared as soon as he found out. Not long after, she was diagnosed with cancer. My husband stood by her throughout her illness, and she passed away shortly after giving birth to her daughter, Kate, who is now six years old.

After Jess’s death, Kate went to live with her maternal grandmother. My husband stayed somewhat involved — birthdays, occasional visits, some financial help — but was never her legal or primary parent.

When we married, I was fully aware of this situation, but it was made clear to me that Kate was not our responsibility. My husband was compassionate, but he wasn’t her father. That was the understanding.

Now everything has changed. Kate’s grandmother, who had been caring for her, is seriously ill and no longer able to look after her. With social services stepping in, my husband wants us to adopt Kate permanently. And this is where the real conflict begins.

We’ve struggled with infertility for years. After multiple rounds of treatments and heartbreak, we were finally starting to explore living child-free or other options like adoption — of a child we both chose. This situation feels like I’m being emotionally cornered into parenting a child who is connected to my husband’s ex and whom I barely know.

My husband keeps telling me this is “our chance” to finally have a child. He approached me and said, “We should adopt Kate.” But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s trying to rewrite his own unfinished story with Jess.

It feels like my husband’s decision is being driven by grief and guilt — not by a shared, intentional desire to raise this particular child. I told him, “If you’re ready for adoption, we can consider a child from an orphanage — but not Kate.”

That’s when my mother-in-law stepped in and began pressuring me relentlessly. During a recent visit, to my surprise and discomfort, she brought photos of Kate looking sad and vulnerable. Since then, she hasn’t stopped calling and texting, repeating things like:

“This child is part of our family now.”
“You’d be heartless to let her end up in foster care.”
“What kind of mother turns away a child who needs her?”
“Maybe life gave you a child in a different way than you imagined.”

She even told me that if I refuse, I might “regret it for the rest of my life” and that I’m failing as a wife and future mother. My husband doesn’t stop her — if anything, I think he agrees with her.

I feel like I’m drowning. Either I say yes and take on full-time motherhood under circumstances I never wanted — with enormous emotional baggage attached — or I say no and risk my marriage completely falling apart. And if I say no, I know I’ll forever be branded the cold-hearted one by his family.

I keep going back and forth. On one hand, Kate is an innocent child who has lost everyone. On the other hand, I feel like my husband’s family is trying to emotionally blackmail me into sacrificing my entire future for a situation I never created.

I honestly don’t know if I’m being selfish for protecting my mental health and boundaries — or if I’m being pushed into something completely unfair. I never agreed to raise his ex’s child, and yet somehow, I feel trapped in a situation with no good options.

What would you do? Am I a terrible person for hesitating? Or are my husband and his family crossing a serious line?

Dear Megan,

Thank you so much for courageously sharing your story with Now I’ve Seen Everything. Your openness and vulnerability are truly inspiring and serve as a powerful reminder of the strength it takes to speak honestly about difficult experiences. We’re deeply grateful for your trust and honored to spotlight your journey so that others may learn, reflect, and find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

Here are some pieces of advice we hope will help you navigate this complex and emotional family situation.

Speak from the heart.

Choose a quiet moment with your husband and gently say, “I know Kate is very important to you, and I truly care about this, too — but I’m not ready to take on the role of her mother right now.” Speaking openly and honestly helps you stay connected while honoring each other’s feelings.

💡 Why it works: Sincere, respectful conversations strengthen trust and deepen emotional bonds.

Check in with yourself often.

Pause now and then ask yourself: “What am I feeling — excited, anxious, pressured?” These little moments of self-honesty help keep you grounded in your truth, not someone else’s story.

💡 Why it helps: regular emotional check-ins bring clarity and guide better decisions.

Stand firm with kindness.

When your husband or his mom puts pressure on you, try saying, “I understand how much Kate means to you, but I need a bit more time and space to think this through.” You don’t have to justify your feelings — what you’re experiencing is valid.

💡 Why it works: Setting healthy boundaries protects your emotional well-being and helps prevent burnout.

Get some outside support.

Think about speaking with a counselor or a trusted friend who isn’t directly involved. Having a neutral person to talk to can help you sort out your thoughts and figure out what you truly want — and how to express it with care.

💡 Why it helps: An outside perspective can offer clarity, reinforce your boundaries, and support your emotional well-being.

Not everyone is willing to raise someone else’s child — many avoid relationships with single parents. But our reader Adam is different. He loves his stepson deeply and dreams of adopting him. Sadly, his wife’s reaction to this left him heartbroken.