I Want a Divorce — Even Though He’s Supposedly the Perfect Husband

Sometimes, the love story that seems perfect at first can slowly turn into a life filled with exhaustion—both physical and emotional. There are countless reasons why this happens, but one TikTok user recently shared what made her want to put an “end to what she thought was the perfect marriage.” Her story has now become an inspiring example of how, with real effort and the desire to change, it’s possible to save a relationship from the brink of divorce.

This is her story.

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, but about three years ago, I seriously considered getting a divorce. And I want to tell you why. So I will tell you the story of the day I said to myself, “Maybe I don’t want to do this anymore.”

My husband and I have four children. We both work full-time and have been together for 16 years, since high school. And on paper, I have an amazing husband. He’s kind, loyal, and a great father. He’s involved, he participates, in theory, he’s always there. What more could I ask for?

In reality, though, my experience is very similar to other women’s. I have this wonderful husband who is, on paper, a great father. I have this wonderful husband who, on paper, is great, but I was very frustrated and tired because of our marriage and motherhood.

Because what happens with a lot of us is that we get married to these great men, and we have an amazing relationship, and then we have children. And when we have children, women tend to carry a disproportionate burden of housework, child-rearing, and the mental burden of it all. This is exactly what happened to us.

Every night we make dinner, and he asks me what he needs to do. Every morning, he drops the kids off at daycare and asks me what to pack. I told him, “I am the manager of this house, and I need you to do more things.”

And he looked at me and said, “Okay, just tell me what I need to do, all right?” All of us women have heard this. “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

And I said, “Okay. One thing that would make my life easier is if, in the mornings, when I come down (since I spend the mornings alone for a while), the dishwasher is empty, the dishes are set out, and you’ve removed the rubbish. That would make my life so much easier, because when I have four kids running around, and the baby is crying, I can’t be looking for someone’s favorite glass in the dishwasher, I just need to know that it’s clean.”

He said he would do it and it wouldn’t be a problem. But then I had to remind him, and he would forget, and I had to remind him again. Until one morning, I woke up and went to put something in the trash can, and it was overflowing. And I went to get my son’s glass, and it was in the dishwasher with all the other clean dishes. And I felt so unseen and belittled, and offended at that moment.

And I remember I sent a text message to my husband. I wrote to him: “What happened? Why didn’t you do what I asked you to do?” His response was, “Sorry, I was late for work.”

And I remember thinking, “My God, he doesn’t even see me, because what he’s done now is going to make me late for work. And he doesn’t care about that. He doesn’t care about the impact this has on me. And he doesn’t realize that every single thing that happens in our home only happens because I ask it, or because I do it, or I plan and organize it.”

The nappy bag is full because I filled it, right? I put the wipes in there. I felt so frustrated. And I remember thinking, “What’s the point of this? What’s the point of doing this with someone else? I could just do it by myself.”

And it wasn’t because my husband didn’t love me, or did anything to me, and it wasn’t because I didn’t love him, but because I felt like he was taking advantage of me in our relationship.

And this dynamic doesn’t happen by accident, does it? It’s not something that “my husband did to me.” It’s that we’ve grown up in this society that tells men and women who they should be in marriage and what a good mom and dad should look like. And we know that the standard is very high for moms, and very low for dads. We fall into these norms, these roles within our family, even when we didn’t want to.

I am lucky. And I say that because I have a partner who I know loves me and wants me to be happy, who set out to change, and did. We did all the work to figure out what fairness should look like within our relationship.

And I can say now, three years later, that we are happier than ever. Our kids are thriving, our house is running like a well-oiled machine, and that took a lot of work. It took about 18 months, and it has been worth it, but this situation is not uncommon.

So if your wife comes to you and says, “I’m exhausted by the mental load, and I need you to be more involved,” she’s not just saying that because she wants you to do more housework. She’s saying it because it’s something that could really hurt your relationship; it could ruin your marriage if you don’t participate equally at home.

What does it look like in practice? What does it really mean to change these dynamics? We need to take a serious look at how work is distributed in our households.

Because in most cases, and the data support this, women carry a disproportionate share of the work. They do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and childcare, while at the same time having a full-time job. Whereas men have more opportunity to explore their hobbies, like golf, for example, or just exercise, like running a marathon...

So we need to have that tough conversation about what our schedule looks like, what work at home looks like, and what kind of work is being invisible. We need to talk about these kinds of things, because when we don’t, the other alternative is to no longer have a marriage, or at least not a happy one.

I share this story because I don’t think I’m the only one with this experience, and I want people to know that there is hope. If you have a partner who is willing and committed, together you can change this. You can change this dynamic.

She added, “I know that’s surprising to a lot of people, but here’s the facts. The data shows that when women marry men, this is before kids, they do 2.3 times as much housework as their male counterparts do. They do more housework than their single female counterparts. Simply by marrying men, women’s workload increases. And again, most of these women are working. And so regardless of whether or not you have children, women do more work simply because they are married to men.

And when kids come along, obviously, the inequities grow. Women tend to do much more housework and domestic labor than men do. They do more childcare than men do. They have less time for leisure and for fitness, and for all of those things. And there is data to show that single mothers actually have more time for leisure, they get more sleep, and they do less housework than married mothers. And that is not because of the kids, right? Because the kids are there regardless.

Being married to men creates more work for women. And so, yeah, a lot of women are choosing to get divorced because they would rather be a single mother than a married single mother. They would rather be on their own doing it than be in a relationship that feels incredibly unfair. And I know that’s shocking to a lot of men, but men’s housework and work in general does not increase exponentially when they get married and or have children, but for women, it does. I want to talk about this.”

She received support in the comments.

• When I divorced my husband, he said ‘you will see how much I did around here now!’ Still waiting to see!
• Even the statement “ok, tell me what I need to do” adds mental load in itself. I know his intent is there but it’s just like... SEE IT ON YOUR OWN
• So many women go through this silently.
• Go away for a long weekend and leave him alone with the kids it’s a rude awakening.

Here, you can read the story of another family drama, where a husband’s whisper revealed his secrets.