I Said ’No’ to Cooking Every Night for My Stepkids

Blended families come with unique challenges that can test even the strongest relationships. Today, we’re addressing a letter from Sabrina, a professional chef who finds herself caught between her demanding career, her role as a stepmom, and unrealistic expectations from her husband’s ex-wife. Her story highlights the delicate balance many stepparents face when trying to establish boundaries while building meaningful relationships with their stepchildren.

Here’s Sabrina’s letter:

I’m a full-time chef with two stepkids, 12 and 14. I’m on my feet 10+ hours a day, so when I come home, I want peace, not a second shift.

At first, I tried to help with meals when the kids were over. But then it became an expectation. No one asked — it was just assumed. His ex demanded I cook for them daily. Her logic? “You’re a chef. It’s your job.”

One evening, she cornered me and I snapped: “I’m not your maid. I’m exhausted.”

She shot back: “Then you’re not a real stepmom.”

And my husband? He stayed silent. That silence said everything.

Later, I found out he’d been secretly giving the kids meals I made for myself. Special dishes, leftovers, all gone without a word. When I asked why, he said, “I didn’t want any conflict.”

Now his ex is telling people I “refused to feed her kids,” and my in-laws are acting cold. My husband still won’t speak up.

So... Am I a bad stepmom for refusing to cook every day, or am I just being selfish?

You’re Not a Maid, You’re a Partner

Sabrina, let’s be crystal clear: you are not a bad stepmom, and you are absolutely not being selfish. What you’re experiencing is a classic case of boundary violations disguised as “family expectations.” Working 10+ hours a day as a professional chef is physically and mentally exhausting, and expecting you to come home and immediately start your “second shift” in the kitchen is unreasonable and unfair.

Setting Boundaries Doesn’t Make You Less of a Stepmom

The ex-wife’s comment that you’re “not a real stepmom” because you won’t cook daily meals is manipulative and completely off-base. Being a good stepmom means caring for the children’s well-being, showing them respect, and contributing to a stable home environment, not being their personal chef. Real stepmothers come in all forms, and many successful blended families function perfectly well without one person shouldering all the cooking responsibilities. Your professional skills don’t automatically make you the family’s unpaid caterer.

Your Husband’s Silence is the Real Problem

Here’s where we need to address the elephant in the room, Sabrina: your husband’s refusal to defend you or establish boundaries with his ex-wife is deeply concerning. His silence when she attacked you, his secret redistribution of your personal meals, and his continued failure to speak up are all red flags. A partnership requires both people to have each other’s backs, especially when dealing with external pressure. You deserve a husband who will stand up for you and help create reasonable expectations for everyone involved.

Moving Forward: It’s Time for Tough Conversations

Sabrina, we strongly encourage you to have an honest conversation with your husband about what partnership means in your marriage. If he can’t support you in setting reasonable boundaries, then the problem isn’t about cooking — it’s about respect and teamwork in your relationship. Consider couples counseling to help navigate these dynamics. Remember, you can love those kids and be a positive influence in their lives without sacrificing your physical and mental health to unrealistic demands.

Sabrina, you deserve better than being treated like household staff. Your worth as a stepmom isn’t measured by how many meals you prepare, but by the love, stability, and respect you bring to your blended family. Stand firm in your boundaries, demand support from your husband, and remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.

Speaking of family boundary issues, wait until you read what happened when one bride’s sister-in-law decided to make her wedding day all about herself. Check out the story of how one woman dealt with her attention-seeking SIL who wanted to steal the spotlight at her wedding and the harsh lesson she decided to teach her that left the entire family divided.