I Took a Stand and Refused to Babysit My DIL’s Kids for Free

Relationships
month ago

Family often relies on each other for help, but sometimes, the line between kindness and obligation can become unclear. Nise, one of our readers, has been regularly caring for her daughter-in-law Rachel’s children but recently asked for compensation, leading to unexpected tension. In this letter, She shares her experience, and we offer insights on how to approach setting boundaries with family.

Rachel Bruemmer-Barnes
5 hours ago

That's not ok. Once they are married the other two become your grandchildren as well, they are just as much part of the family. They should not be treated any diffewnt they are kids. That's not right

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Rachel Bruemmer-Barnes
5 hours ago

You way over stepped!! They are all your grandkids now they are married. You basically said One matters more then the other two. While one is you actual blood they are all her kids. You can ask to be compensated if you feel that way but for all. I treat all my kids the same and I take to school and pick up etc and never ask for a dime. Grandma's are supossed to love

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An Important but Delicate Act

Julie Tamez
2 days ago

I think the reaction would have been different if you had not made it sound like the older kids were outsiders. That was heartbreaking. If you would have just said, "I don't mind helping out, but since this is becoming more frequent, i'd like to discuss a little payment for babysitting." Just having a conversation at a different time and not excluding the older kids would have been so much better.

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We understand your frustration—it’s never easy to feel taken for granted, especially when you’re helping out your family. You’ve always been there for your daughter-in-law, Rachel, and her kids, but there comes a point when your time and energy deserve to be respected. Setting boundaries is not about rejecting your family but about ensuring your needs and contributions are valued. Your request for compensation was not unreasonable; it sounds like you’re simply trying to find a balance between giving freely and being treated fairly.

Communication Is Key

From your letter, it seems like Rachel may have been surprised by your request for payment. Clear communication is essential when it comes to expectations, especially in family relationships. In this case, Rachel’s silence and cold response likely stemmed from her own shock, not necessarily a refusal to understand your perspective. We can imagine that she’s used to you watching the kids without compensation, and this change may have caught her off guard. However, that does not diminish your right to set boundaries. You’re not asking for the moon, just a fair exchange for your time.

Understanding the Consequences of Boundaries

Christy Lee
5 days ago

Yea, I agree with your son's wife. Those are not just her children, they are his stepchildren and you obviously are treating them differently than his child by blood. When he married her, he also took on the responsibility to help parent any children f in a previous relationship as she would with him. By treating her children as just another babysitting job to be paid for, you are diminishing the role they have in your son's life and his in theirs. I hope you aren't one to also not buy them Christmas or birthday presents because they "are not his" but it sounds like you may be

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What happened next—the change in locks and lack of communication—was obviously hurtful. Family dynamics can sometimes become tense when boundaries are challenged, especially when things are done without prior discussions. Your daughter-in-law’s actions, while not ideal, may have been a reflection of her own discomfort with this new request. She may not have understood your reasoning or may have felt guilty about asking for help in the first place. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong for wanting to protect your time and energy.

The Importance of Mutual Respect

In conclusion, setting boundaries is not about making demands, but about making sure you are respected. Asking for compensation for your time, especially when you’ve been consistent in your help, is absolutely reasonable. While we can’t control how others react, we believe that family relationships should be based on mutual respect and understanding. It’s not wrong to ask for what you need. Keep your head up, and remember that your value is not just in the help you give—it’s in who you are as a person.

Discover the story of a bride who faced humiliation from her husband on their wedding day, leaving her no choice but to cancel the ceremony.

Comments

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Holly
3 weeks ago

If I understand your post correctly, you agreed to only watch your biological grandchild, but not the other children (for them you expected to be paid). I don't see this as setting boundaries, but as a separation of who might be considered a grandchild. If you feel a need to do this (ask for payment) I get it, but you need to make those guidelines for all of the children. I completely get how she was offended, but I do think it wasn't a great way to react. Talking about it or just withdrawing the request until your son could be part of the conversation would have been a good choice. Both are wrong or just could have handled it better.

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