I Took a Stand and Refused to Babysit My DIL’s Kids for Free

Relationships
month ago

Family often relies on each other for help, but sometimes, the line between kindness and obligation can become unclear. Nise, one of our readers, has been regularly caring for her daughter-in-law Rachel’s children but recently asked for compensation, leading to unexpected tension. In this letter, She shares her experience, and we offer insights on how to approach setting boundaries with family.

Rachel Bruemmer-Barnes
2 weeks ago

That's not ok. Once they are married the other two become your grandchildren as well, they are just as much part of the family. They should not be treated any diffewnt they are kids. That's not right

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Rachel Bruemmer-Barnes
2 weeks ago

You way over stepped!! They are all your grandkids now they are married. You basically said One matters more then the other two. While one is you actual blood they are all her kids. You can ask to be compensated if you feel that way but for all. I treat all my kids the same and I take to school and pick up etc and never ask for a dime. Grandma's are supossed to love

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Christina Shetrone Stanley
2 weeks ago

YES YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! AND HOW AWFUL TO TREAT THEM ANY DIFFERENT! MY DAD MARRIED MY MOM WHEN I WAS 6MO OLD AND MY BROTHER WAS 3 AND ADOPTED US BOTH AND THEN HAD MY SISTER 6 YEARS LATER! MY SISTER DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL SHE 15 THAT MY BROTHER AND I WERE NOT HER BIOLOGICAL SIBLINGS! AND THAT IS BECAUSE NOT ONLY DID MY DAD NEVER TREAT US ANY DIFFERENT BUT NO ONE IN HIS FAMILY DID! HIS MOM AND DAD WERE OUR GRANDPARENTS! HIS SISTER HER HUSBAND WAS OUR AUNT AND UNCLE! EVEN WHEN IT CAME DOWN TO MY GRANDMA'S WILL WE WERE NOT TREATED ANY DIFFERENT! TO SAY THAT YOU WILL WATCH YOUR GRANDCHILD IS SO CRINGY AND WRONG! DOES YOUR SON CALL THEM HER KIDS?? OR DOES HE CALL THEM HIS STEP KIDS?? YEA THIS ALL BAD AND I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME THING IF I WAS THE MOM! AND YOUR SON KNEW SHE CHANGED THE LOCKS BTW LOL! SO DONT LET HIM FOOL YOU HE PROBABLY CHANGED THEM 🤣🤣

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Edith Ann Canada
2 weeks ago

Yes you are TAH! That is soo wrong on so many levels!! Grandkids are grandkids. You either love them all equally or just stay out of thier lives period!!!!

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Wemi Perkins
2 weeks ago

You watch the kids at their house, so using their utilities, food, etc… so what do they need to pay for? You realize any money coming from her will be coming from your son too right? I think you deciding to single out “her” kids was not nice and so now you are dealing with the consequences. Either charge for all or none, but again you are watching them at their house so you are not out any money. You can always say no if it’s an inconvenience but again you singling out kids is not right.

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Catherine Turner
2 weeks ago

My former mother-in-law watched my kids from my first marriage along with the one I had with her son. She treated them all equally and loved all of them.

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Leesa Ortiz
2 weeks ago

Rachel didn't ask for payment when she agreed to babysit your son either, so why would you assume she should do that for free too? I totally agree with her, if you don't want to help her grow with your son then why permit you to be a part of it? That's messed up to punish her children whom I'd assume your son has accepted.

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Asa Lambrecht
2 weeks ago
Leesa Ortiz

Rachel isn't babysitting OP's son, she's married to him. You're statement is a false equivalency. Not saying she wasnt right to be upset with OP, but you can't compare Rachel and OP's son's marriage to babysitting. The only thing Rachel did wrong in any of this was to take those measures without talking to her husband first so that they were both on the same page.

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2 weeks ago
No comment – no problem.
week ago
Oops, the admin pressed "delete".
Teresa Yolande Hoy
2 weeks ago

What a nasty piece of work you are. Just your comment that no charge for YOUR grandson but want money for her 2. WOW ld change the locks to - and your babysitting at their place? What a nasty piece of work you are.

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Nuno Caetano
2 weeks ago
Teresa Yolande Hoy

Why do you think the DIL should be entitled to free babysitting? The woman is willing to do that for her grandson, as he is related to her, not the other two, whose behaviour is probably the cause of all this.

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2 weeks ago
This comment is in the X-files.
Mindy Johnson
2 weeks ago
Nuno Caetano

You can't be serious?? They are a blended family and all the children should be treated equally..what if your son showed favoritism to the baby and treated her kids different? That màrriage would be doomed..

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Debbie Crowley
month ago

My first question would have to be why did you have a key to their house and feel you could just walk in anytime you wanted? And I think it was very little of you to not keep all the children as they are a family now. Yes, you were wrong.

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Michelle Rips
2 weeks ago
Debbie Crowley

She was asked to watch her kids so she showed up to watch them. Sure DIL never confirmed that she'd pay, but she asked someone to watch the kids and OP said yes (she did say yes even though she asked for compensation) then unless told otherwise - I think it's fair to assume that was still the plan so she showed up on the day/time to watch them.

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An Important but Delicate Act

Julie Tamez
2 weeks ago

I think the reaction would have been different if you had not made it sound like the older kids were outsiders. That was heartbreaking. If you would have just said, "I don't mind helping out, but since this is becoming more frequent, i'd like to discuss a little payment for babysitting." Just having a conversation at a different time and not excluding the older kids would have been so much better.

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We understand your frustration—it’s never easy to feel taken for granted, especially when you’re helping out your family. You’ve always been there for your daughter-in-law, Rachel, and her kids, but there comes a point when your time and energy deserve to be respected. Setting boundaries is not about rejecting your family but about ensuring your needs and contributions are valued. Your request for compensation was not unreasonable; it sounds like you’re simply trying to find a balance between giving freely and being treated fairly.

Communication Is Key

From your letter, it seems like Rachel may have been surprised by your request for payment. Clear communication is essential when it comes to expectations, especially in family relationships. In this case, Rachel’s silence and cold response likely stemmed from her own shock, not necessarily a refusal to understand your perspective. We can imagine that she’s used to you watching the kids without compensation, and this change may have caught her off guard. However, that does not diminish your right to set boundaries. You’re not asking for the moon, just a fair exchange for your time.

Understanding the Consequences of Boundaries

Christy Lee
2 weeks ago

Yea, I agree with your son's wife. Those are not just her children, they are his stepchildren and you obviously are treating them differently than his child by blood. When he married her, he also took on the responsibility to help parent any children f in a previous relationship as she would with him. By treating her children as just another babysitting job to be paid for, you are diminishing the role they have in your son's life and his in theirs. I hope you aren't one to also not buy them Christmas or birthday presents because they "are not his" but it sounds like you may be

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What happened next—the change in locks and lack of communication—was obviously hurtful. Family dynamics can sometimes become tense when boundaries are challenged, especially when things are done without prior discussions. Your daughter-in-law’s actions, while not ideal, may have been a reflection of her own discomfort with this new request. She may not have understood your reasoning or may have felt guilty about asking for help in the first place. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong for wanting to protect your time and energy.

The Importance of Mutual Respect

In conclusion, setting boundaries is not about making demands, but about making sure you are respected. Asking for compensation for your time, especially when you’ve been consistent in your help, is absolutely reasonable. While we can’t control how others react, we believe that family relationships should be based on mutual respect and understanding. It’s not wrong to ask for what you need. Keep your head up, and remember that your value is not just in the help you give—it’s in who you are as a person.

Discover the story of a bride who faced humiliation from her husband on their wedding day, leaving her no choice but to cancel the ceremony.

Comments

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Holly
month ago

If I understand your post correctly, you agreed to only watch your biological grandchild, but not the other children (for them you expected to be paid). I don't see this as setting boundaries, but as a separation of who might be considered a grandchild. If you feel a need to do this (ask for payment) I get it, but you need to make those guidelines for all of the children. I completely get how she was offended, but I do think it wasn't a great way to react. Talking about it or just withdrawing the request until your son could be part of the conversation would have been a good choice. Both are wrong or just could have handled it better.

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