Family often relies on each other for help, but sometimes, the line between kindness and obligation can become unclear. Nise, one of our readers, has been regularly caring for her daughter-in-law Rachel’s children but recently asked for compensation, leading to unexpected tension. In this letter, She shares her experience, and we offer insights on how to approach setting boundaries with family.
I watched my ex-dil kids for free for years! They are OUR grandchildren. They are my grandsons sisters and he loves them and we do too! It was my pleasure to see them and be part of their lives. You should try loving them as much as you do your blood related grandchild.
Yes you are TAH! That is soo wrong on so many levels!! Grandkids are grandkids. You either love them all equally or just stay out of thier lives period!!!!
She's not a girlfriend She's his whole wife that means her children are now his children and by default your grandchildren. What I wonder is do you treat the other children as less than your bio grand? If so as for me you would become a non entity in our family period. and if your son wasn't with it he'd be an ex husband and the 2 of you could go love yourselves
It's not so much that you asked for compensation; babysitting is a lot of work. But you should NEVER have excluded her other two children - I would have been upset at that, too. I would wonder if you were treating the other children differently than your grandson while you were with them! You should have discussed the amount of time you were babysitting as more than you thought, and set a limit for the times you would be willing to babysit - once per week, or whatever - so she could find another babysitter. NEVER make a mother defensive about her children!
We understand your frustration—it’s never easy to feel taken for granted, especially when you’re helping out your family. You’ve always been there for your daughter-in-law, Rachel, and her kids, but there comes a point when your time and energy deserve to be respected. Setting boundaries is not about rejecting your family but about ensuring your needs and contributions are valued. Your request for compensation was not unreasonable; it sounds like you’re simply trying to find a balance between giving freely and being treated fairly.
From your letter, it seems like Rachel may have been surprised by your request for payment. Clear communication is essential when it comes to expectations, especially in family relationships. In this case, Rachel’s silence and cold response likely stemmed from her own shock, not necessarily a refusal to understand your perspective. We can imagine that she’s used to you watching the kids without compensation, and this change may have caught her off guard. However, that does not diminish your right to set boundaries. You’re not asking for the moon, just a fair exchange for your time.
Yea, I agree with your son's wife. Those are not just her children, they are his stepchildren and you obviously are treating them differently than his child by blood. When he married her, he also took on the responsibility to help parent any children f in a previous relationship as she would with him. By treating her children as just another babysitting job to be paid for, you are diminishing the role they have in your son's life and his in theirs. I hope you aren't one to also not buy them Christmas or birthday presents because they "are not his" but it sounds like you may be
What happened next—the change in locks and lack of communication—was obviously hurtful. Family dynamics can sometimes become tense when boundaries are challenged, especially when things are done without prior discussions. Your daughter-in-law’s actions, while not ideal, may have been a reflection of her own discomfort with this new request. She may not have understood your reasoning or may have felt guilty about asking for help in the first place. But that doesn’t mean you were wrong for wanting to protect your time and energy.
In conclusion, setting boundaries is not about making demands, but about making sure you are respected. Asking for compensation for your time, especially when you’ve been consistent in your help, is absolutely reasonable. While we can’t control how others react, we believe that family relationships should be based on mutual respect and understanding. It’s not wrong to ask for what you need. Keep your head up, and remember that your value is not just in the help you give—it’s in who you are as a person.
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If I understand your post correctly, you agreed to only watch your biological grandchild, but not the other children (for them you expected to be paid). I don't see this as setting boundaries, but as a separation of who might be considered a grandchild. If you feel a need to do this (ask for payment) I get it, but you need to make those guidelines for all of the children. I completely get how she was offended, but I do think it wasn't a great way to react. Talking about it or just withdrawing the request until your son could be part of the conversation would have been a good choice. Both are wrong or just could have handled it better.
