I’m Not Willing to Tolerate My Wife’s Former In-Laws Going Too Far

Maintaining a good relationship with your former in-laws and even relying on their help in raising a child who isn’t biologically their grandchild is indeed remarkable. However, there’s often another side to such situations. Here’s the story of a man who faced something similar.

The man explained the situation.

I have been married to my wife for about two years now, and we had our daughter a year ago. Now, my wife was married before, she got married pretty young, but her husband died. I knew all of this and have been just fine with it. Until now.

See, she’s still pretty close to her dead husband’s parents. And they were excited about the birth of our child. FYI, they only had the one son, no other children at all.

They have been coming over to our place about once a week. It was fine at first, but it’s gotten kind of suffocating.

They have visited us more time than either her parent, or my parents. They have even stayed over our house at times. Something I wouldn’t even like if they were my own parents.

Another thing...they talk about their dead son...a lot. Which is usually fine, but they have made some comments that make me uncomfortable. They even said my daughter kind of looks like him, and his mom even said, “Oh, if she’s this cute, imagine how cute your kids would have been, if only...” when talking to my wife. She was gonna say more, but I think she realized what she was about to say, I was right there.

I want to be amicable, and I knew that there was gonna be some moments like this, but it’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Would I be wrong if I told my wife’s dead husband’s parents to stop coming to see our daughter?

People in the comments were on his side.

• You say in other comments that our wife sees them as family, as extra parents (to her)/grandparents to your kid. You can’t just unanimously tell them to go away and never come back. It would help if you had a serious conversation with your wife, possibly with a therapist as a mediator. On one hand, they lost their son and your wife lost her husband. She wouldn’t be with you or have your baby if her husband hadn’t died. On the other hand, it’s your baby, and the ’extra grandparents’ are using your baby to springboard into “what might have been” land, which isn’t healthy. This is a situation where therapy would REALLY help all of you. © Condensed_Sarcasm / Reddit
• When they mention their son and how his kids would have looked, they are crossing a line. You have a bigger problem with your wife, she should be shutting them down. They can be bonus grandparents, only if they respect you as the father of your child. © SnooWords4839 / Reddit
• This situation is uncomfortably close to me. Our only child (adopted) lost her first baby near full term and nearly died herself (still not out of the woods). We have thought about it a lot. Her husband is a super guy; if our daughter doesn’t make it, and he remarried and had a family, we would love to be ‘spare’ grandparents, if he allowed it. Also, my wife was widowed, I had a great relationship with her former mother-in-law, but she was several states away and much more aware of boundaries. I would give them a bit of grace here, but your wife needs to gently set some boundaries. © Oldbean98 / Reddit

• Divorced exes are one thing. Dude died. She loved him, and he does. She loves you too, or she wouldn’t be with you, but the 4 of them were family. If they’re nice to you, I’d just roll with your kid having a third pair of grandparents to spoil her. The comments NEED to stop, though. You should have a frank conversation with the wife, and with the couple.
  “I know you all are still very close, nothing can change that. But I am present in the wife’s life now, and I am the father of the daughter. It makes me feel completely unwanted in the picture when you start insinuating that the daughter isn’t mine or that my existence and contribution in this family is somehow second best.” © Armadillo_of_doom / Reddit
• It’s not appropriate. They feel like they have missed out on the experience of their son having children and getting to enjoy grandchildren. I’m sure they love your wife and cling to her as a part of what is left from their son. The parents of the dead husband need therapy, and they need to let your wife move on and be with her family. © briguygotyou / Reddit

We hope the author of this story manages to set boundaries while maintaining a good relationship. Now, here’s a story where things turned into a feud with the mother-in-law.